A Digression of Sorts

The Curious Case of The Dog and the Sweatshirt

As I have mentioned many times before Helen and I run at this park near our house called “Parque de Santander.” We usually go in the afternoon/evening between 6-8. We are there for about an hour. Every time we have gone (except the one time we went at 5) we see this man in a red sweatshirt walking his dog. Every day he is in his red sweatshirt and every day he is walking the same dog (not as surprising, but I do wonder if that sweatshirt gets washed). [Some people think he is attractive ← important information.] He walks clockwise while I run counterclockwise so I have a whole lap (3/4 of a mile… the track circles the park) to muse about this man. My first question was “why is he always in the red sweatshirt?” That was easily answered by “he wants to be easily identifiable.” DONE. He has effortlessly earned the epithet “Red Sweatshirt Man.” This is how Helen and I talk about him. My next question “does this guy walk every day?” My Best Guess: YES or almost yes. Because Helen and I don’t go every day but we manage to go about 3 times a week (and this is not like Monday, Wednesday, Friday it is the days we don’t want to “siesta” or “fiesta”) so unless he and Helen and I are all on the same bodily clock (least likely conclusion), he goes more often then we do (more likely). My next question “Why clockwise?” I would guess that about 87% percent of the people all run/walk counterclockwise ergo he and his dog are definitely in the minority. Obvious Answer: To check out the ladies.

Our Notes Thus Far:

 RSM walks every day in his red sweatshirt in hopes of being easily identifiable by the ladies he checks out.

I have also left out the dog until now. This dog is a very cute dog. Not “cute dog” as in the accessory that Paris Hilton carries around or the creature could be the decoration on my mother’s curtains (you can’t deny that some of these creatures look like running tassels). This dog is cute in the sense that it is very clearly a mix breed dog. This dog is the canine incarnation of the Barnum Effect- There is a little something for everyone. It is not too big, it is not too jumpy, it is just right. It is the Baby Bear Porridge of dogs. Every creature-loving person would love this dog. Why is this important? Besides the fact you now know I am crazy about dogs, this is more evidence towards our conclusion. Let me explain. When I was smaller I deduced that, like smokers, dog lovers have their own language, their own social cues, their own intense desire to be loved…. The point is that dog owners have an immediate reason to chat with one another (no award, “Can I buy you a drink?” “Do you have a facebook?”). They have a mutual interest (dogs) and usually stories about their own dog to fill the time they take to pat Poochie. So when I was younger, I swore that if I was single at 27 (before I got an eharmony) I would get a dog.

If at age 12 I recognized this, I am sure that RSM (who is probably 27 or very close to it) has realized this as well. Dogs attract people, and attractive dogs with attractive men attached, attract women (or men!! However I am pretty sure RWM is looking for a woman because I have caught him doing the “up and down” to fellow female runners).

Thus far, our information leads us to believe that RSM is looking for a lady friend of sorts. So my next question “why have I never seen him with anyone else? Why have I never seen any number exchange or any casual conversation?” Possible Conclusion: This just happens between laps (highly unlikely as the conversation would have to be very short and this leaves no room for pet complimenting which is the foreplay of pet-petting). More Likely Conclusion: He has business cards that he keeps handy if some attractive lady talks to him so he can quickly give her his info. My next question “why would he want to quickly give out his information?”

My Big Conclusion:

Red Sweatshirt Man walks his dog because dogs attract people. He wears a sweatshirt so he can be identified as “Red Sweatshirt Man” and classified as “safe” as he is seen so often. He walks at the park clockwise so he can scout out the people he wants to fraternize with and make the appropriate eye contact on Lap 1,2 and 3 so that by lap 4 eye-contactee will approach him and begin to pet compliment. Here he hands out his business card with the excuse that he cant talk right now because his dog is on a mission and gets kind of restless if they stop (this also gives him the “elusive man” characteristic which always seems to hook the unsuspecting female). Because this transaction is so quick, other female runners (other possible “prospects”) do not see him doing this, so they do not think he is taken or interested in another runner. This way RSM can get as many numbers as possible and go on as many dates as possible and have as much sex as possible without offending any one because no one knows. Ergo, hiding behind his dog and dirty sweatshirt, Red Sweatshirt Man is a sex fiend out to seduce all the women runners of Parque de Santander. Thank goodness I routinely wear my "I HEART SAM" v-neck.